Thank God I'm Not The One

"Questions, no matter how shocking or blasphemous or arrogant or ignorant or raw, are rooted in humility. A humility that understands that I am not God and there is more to know. Questions bring freedom. Freedom that I dont have to be God and I dont have to pretend that I have it all figured out. I can let God be God."

The above quotation is a sample from Rob Bell's ever so famous book entitled "Velvet Elvis". My brother bought it for me years ago as a birthday present and I never got around to reading it until tonight. I'm glad I did. I've been straying from my faith lately, and I want to get God back to the center of my life.

I grew up in a non-denominational church in my town. We moved into this house on my second birthday and ever since then I've gone to church with my next door neighbor. I've never been to church with my family, or if I have I don't remember it. For 6 years of my life, I went to church 3 times a week. I grew up with the bible and was told to live my life accordingly. Throughout that time I've ready roughly 30 books that you might find in your local Christian book store.

Because that's what Christians do, right? They read Christian books and go to church at LEAST once a week...right?

I've always been a curious person. Everything in life fascinates me: People, nature, the soul, the workings of the human body, and especially God. Being a curious person, I've always asked questions. I want to know how things work, why things work and what purpose everything has. Throughout those years if I were reading my bible or one of those Christian books, I'd write down my questions and bring them to my preacher for our Wednesday night youth group. My preacher would always just look at me as if to say, "Awe, that's cute", wave his hand to the side and say, "another time."

I started wondering if that was just my preachers way of saying, "You don't question God, you just believe it." I started feeling guilty. I wondered if a good Christian asked questions, or if a good Christian "just believed". It wasn't until I was reading this book that I realized, I'm not necessarily asking God the wrong questions, I'm questioning Gods works in the wrong way.

I used to ask:
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why do I have to learn from my mistakes?
Why wont my family go to church with me?
Why did Brendan Ryan have to shave his mustache?

Instead I need to ask:
How can I help those going through a hard time, and how do I forgive the ones who have hurt me and my loved ones?
How do I learn from MY mistakes?
How do I get my family to love God the way I do?
How do I, a mere fan, get Brendan to grow the 'stache again?

These are the things I'm learning to do. Instead of looking at the negative side of curiosity, I want to know the optimistic side. I don't want to ask the "why's", but the "how's". The Christian faith doesn't have an end in this lifetime, we're constantly growing. And I want to keep my faith alive, not beat it down. Rob Bell points out that even Jesus questioned God while he was on the cross. We may never know the answers in this lifetime, because God has no bounds and our puny brains just can't seem to grasp that. But I have hope for the next life. Isn't that exciting? This amazing life that I'm living doesn't even begin to compare to life I'll live in heaven.

Amazing.

How could You walk when You went down that dusty street
How could You speak when all your friends checked out
How could You love after the great betrayal
How could You reach out when they nailed You down
True as true can be
That's what they say You are to me when I'm so fake
Does Your heart ache
If I had been the one I would not have been that strong
If I had been the one, yeah, I'd have been long gone
How could You hang on with Your mama crying
How could You keep on breathing in and out
How could You watch while Your whole world was dying
Did it all happen cause we let You down
And all the things we think of as eternal would come undone
All I have to say is when I'm praying
Is "Thank God I'm not the One"

I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Happiness, what's it mean to you?

If you would have asked me that question weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to give you an answer because, honestly, I had never felt truly happy.

I've always been a bitter person, a cynical person. I've always felt like I could see the world for what it was. I could see the hatred, the ignorance, the naivety. My entire life, that's how I've viewed the world. So, it makes sense that I would become such a bitter shell of a human being, right? I've hated the world, and hated myself. I'm sure it sounds like one depressing way to live, and it was. I constantly questioned why other people could be happy, and here I was, stuck. It took nearly 20 years and one person later to finally know what it's like to feel happy. And I don't mean, "Oh today was a good day" temporary happiness, I mean the "I love myself and the people around me" kind of real happiness. It's strange. I've become someone I've always envied, and it feel fantastic. I no longer feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

We all know the Golden Rule (and if you're thinking of Jafar's version: "whoever has the gold, makes the rules"...you're wrong. But I give you props for the Aladdin reference). I've lived my life understanding that rule but I could never apply it to myself because everyone in the world angered me so much. I can't fake my feelings, so if I'm annoyed or angry, you can tell. And for that, I hated myself. It was so easy for others to act nice, so why could I not do it?

I think I've finally figured it out. If people treat others the way they are treated, maybe it all made sense. I only ever saw the negative aspects of the world, so I could only see the bad things that were done or said to me. If that's the only part of the world understood, that's how I reacted to the rest of the world.

Recently, someone challenged my perspective. I finally understand what its like to be happy and to treat people accordingly. Before, when customers were rude or hateful towards me, it would eat at me the rest of the day. I'd tell others, and they'd say, "So? It's not that big of a deal, get over it." But I couldn't. I would be angry for days, and hold grudges for months. And let me tell you, it takes a lot of energy to be that hateful, and I was tired. Lately I've been able to shrug it off. It doesn't matter to me anymore. If they want to be hateful, that's fine. But I wont be. I'm happy and I'm going to do my best to keep it that way, no matter how others may treat me. I have such a blessed life, and I don't want to ever forget that.

I'm on a road of recovery. I've beaten myself down for far too long, and it's time to learn to love myself for real this time.


We'll see where this road will take me.

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away