I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Happiness, what's it mean to you?

If you would have asked me that question weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to give you an answer because, honestly, I had never felt truly happy.

I've always been a bitter person, a cynical person. I've always felt like I could see the world for what it was. I could see the hatred, the ignorance, the naivety. My entire life, that's how I've viewed the world. So, it makes sense that I would become such a bitter shell of a human being, right? I've hated the world, and hated myself. I'm sure it sounds like one depressing way to live, and it was. I constantly questioned why other people could be happy, and here I was, stuck. It took nearly 20 years and one person later to finally know what it's like to feel happy. And I don't mean, "Oh today was a good day" temporary happiness, I mean the "I love myself and the people around me" kind of real happiness. It's strange. I've become someone I've always envied, and it feel fantastic. I no longer feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

We all know the Golden Rule (and if you're thinking of Jafar's version: "whoever has the gold, makes the rules"...you're wrong. But I give you props for the Aladdin reference). I've lived my life understanding that rule but I could never apply it to myself because everyone in the world angered me so much. I can't fake my feelings, so if I'm annoyed or angry, you can tell. And for that, I hated myself. It was so easy for others to act nice, so why could I not do it?

I think I've finally figured it out. If people treat others the way they are treated, maybe it all made sense. I only ever saw the negative aspects of the world, so I could only see the bad things that were done or said to me. If that's the only part of the world understood, that's how I reacted to the rest of the world.

Recently, someone challenged my perspective. I finally understand what its like to be happy and to treat people accordingly. Before, when customers were rude or hateful towards me, it would eat at me the rest of the day. I'd tell others, and they'd say, "So? It's not that big of a deal, get over it." But I couldn't. I would be angry for days, and hold grudges for months. And let me tell you, it takes a lot of energy to be that hateful, and I was tired. Lately I've been able to shrug it off. It doesn't matter to me anymore. If they want to be hateful, that's fine. But I wont be. I'm happy and I'm going to do my best to keep it that way, no matter how others may treat me. I have such a blessed life, and I don't want to ever forget that.

I'm on a road of recovery. I've beaten myself down for far too long, and it's time to learn to love myself for real this time.


We'll see where this road will take me.

I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away