You Brought Me So Low With Your Ultimate High

I'm not entirely sure how to go about this particular blog, so bear with me. I apologize in advance if I seem a bit unorganized in my thought process, but it's a lot that needs to be processed! I only ask for your patience.

Half a year ago, someone entered my life that completely changed the person that I was, and now that they're gone, I want the old me back. It's funny how life works. Before, I always thought of myself as someone who was too smart for the old tricks that come with the opposite sex. Turns out, life taught me I was wrong. That happens though. In order to learn right, you need a mistake. I've learned and I've grown, and I'm happy for the time we spent together. Right now, at this moment, I'm content at where I'm at. I'm sure things will change like they always do, but I'm just glad to know that it can't get worse than all that it's taken to get to this point. I survived, and I'm strong.

Up until tonight, I had full (one sided) contact with my ex. (I say one sided because even if I talk to him, he wont reply. Yes, it's childish, but he's got some growing to do, too.) We haven't spoken since February, and it has been the longest two months of my life. Up until a week ago, I hadn't seen his face since then, either. (keep in mind we work two buildings away from each other, I'm good friends with his best friend, and our town is very small...it's almost impossible to avoid someone in this town, but he managed it.) For almost a week, I've seen him every day. He always pretends I'm not there. At his work, he's required to greet everyone as they enter the door. If he sees me, he doesn't say a word, and he turns his back. His works bank is across the street from my work, so any time he needs to make a deposit, he makes sure he pulls out of the parking lot and squeal his tires, any time he seems me through the window just to let me know he's still angry.

At first, this really hurt. Knowing I did nothing to deserve punishment, yet being forced to endure it all night long as I would lie in my bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering why he was still so angry. I couldn't distract myself with anything anymore, not even baseball. My favorite player had been traded and the one major thing my ex and I had in common was our love for the Cardinals. I felt so alone, knowing that no one could understand why I was so upset. He and I weren't right for each other, that's easy to admit. I'm not bitter or even sad that we parted ways, I'm just upset it had to end in such one sided anger. He's a stubborn person who wont listen to what anyone has to say, if it's against what he feels. He believes his anger is justified, and I don't.

Looking back on it now, I believe he isn't truly angry with me. I think he's angry with himself. He wants to work things out, but in order to do that, he may have to admit that he's wrong, and he being him, wont let that happen. If he lets his stubborn head believe me for just a second, it might show weakness, and it's easier to ignore me and blame his anger on me than deal with his real emotions. He'll grow up one day, I'm sure of it.

Me being the person I am, I need everything laid out in front of me and worked through. Both literally and figuratively. I never got that chance with him. He wouldn't let us work through it, because he believed he was right, and that was that. I was unable to accept this for the longest time. And this is where we come to the point of this blog: "I accept that you're still angry with what I said. I've done all I can do, and there is no taking the burden of hatred from your shoulders. I'm sad for you that you have to carry that with you, because I would like nothing more than to help you, but I realize now that it is your decision and you have chosen to disregard my civility. I wish nothing but the best for you."

That's what I would have texted him (since he would ignore my calls) if tonight were the end. And, my friends, tonight is the end. He posted on facebook that he lost all of the contacts in his phone, and he requested that everyone text him their numbers. I had the choice; text him and let him know my number, or finally letting it go and realizing if I cut the last form of communication we have left, I can finally move on. I realized then that tonight would be the end of my suffering. If he chooses to stay angry, I cannot control that. That was the biggest pill to swallow. So, let me say it again.

I cannot control the way he feels.

I can't make him feel better, no matter how much I would like to. Everyone makes their own choices. This is something I will always struggle with my entire life. I've always been a motherly type to my friends. I've tried to protect them from every bad decision they've come to, and they've never put up a fight...until a few nights ago. A friend of mine is going through a bad roller coaster break up in which she wouldn't listen to a bit of my advice. That was really frustrating for me, knowing she knew the right path but she still took the wrong one. Temptation effects everyone in different ways, but no one had never not taken my advice after so many times she's requested it. It wasn't until she looked at me and said, "Lindsey, I know you want to protect me, but you've got to let me make my own mistakes. I know sometimes I'll regret them, but it's the only thing that will make me stronger" that I realized I try to control people sometimes, out of love. While I don't necessarily agree with that last part, she was right. I need not worry about others mistakes and decisions, but focus on my own.

I've always worried about everyone that I love to an extreme, but lately it's been getting ridiculous. I know I've changed so much in the past six months that it's affected my relationships with others. I'm becoming too protective in fear that they will change in the wrong ways I did. In that relationship, I held back so much. I depended so much on his words to get me through the day. I'm better than that. I kept my mouth shut 98% of the time, and that's not the real me. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. As we've discussed a million times, I believe in honesty, and I was not honest in that relationship by holding everything in. I wanted his approval so badly, I lost my voice.

That's what The Kings Speech is about, finding your voice. I watched that tonight and realized that I still have my voice inside me, it was just suppressed for too long. I even changed the style of music I listened to so I could feel closer to him. Whoever said music is just music and doesn't reflect your personality is wrong. But, tonight I realized this and I'm going to make a promise to myself to be me all the time, no matter what. I'm going to be that confident girl again who didn't need make up to feel pretty or get dressed up just to leave the house, because she had the love of God and she knew He would put the right people in her life when it came time for them to come around.

I'm going to be me again. Watch me.

I'm Growing Old Too Young

Here's to the promise of glamorous living,
You must drink up now, cause it's all that you're getting.
If you haven't been tested, you certainly will,
And I promise it's going to kill.
All I can think of is how much I'd kill to be sleeping.
I'm squinting my eyes, my mind's drifting to secrets I'm keeping.

Nearly a year ago, I made a decision. School was coming to an end for the semester, and I wasn't going to sit in my house all summer. My friend was about to get married and move six an a half hours away, so she was quitting her small town cashier job. Because of this, I figured I'd apply. One of my best friends from High School worked there too, so at least I'd know someone if I was hired. I got the job, and in a month I will have been there a full year.

Before my job, I wasn't exactly a people person. I enjoyed being by myself, and I generally stayed home on the weekends, watching movies alone and reading. I just didn't get along with everyone, and I was okay with that, but I didn't realize how much disdain I had building inside me. At that point, I didn't want to socialize myself with anyone who didn't take care of themselves...because those people were gross.

My job has taught me a lot, and I think of it as a blessing. In a majority sense, my workplace serves those of whom cannot afford brand name products. In layman's terms: We get a lot of undesirable people shopping at our store. Sure, it may sound mean, but it's true. A lot of no-teethed, greasy-haired, "I Gots Muh LINK Cardd", needs-a-motorized-cart-to-get-around kind of people. For the most part, I'm over it. I ring up their groceries, type in the number to their Food Stamps card and hand them their receipt with a smile and a "have a nice day". But some days, I just want to punch a wall.

In our town of less than 10,000 people...everyone knows your business. (It's especially not hard to know your business when every customer tells me their life story, but anyway...) So, it wasn't long before I found out about John's situation. John is a guy who, at first, I didn't mind so much. Sure, his teeth were rotten out of his head and he smelled like who knows what, but he was pretty nice. His wife on the other hand, I wasn't so fond of.

Neither one of them work, but John does odd jobs and stays active by riding his bike everywhere. Together, they had 3 kids. The oldest was a boy, and I promise you...I felt so sad for him. I hate to say this, but my boss nicknamed him 'Porkchop", because he was so large. Keep in mind this little boy is probably 7 years old, and can only fit in his dad's shirts. He wears them like dresses because he can't fit in anything else. After him, they had a middle girl, and their youngest was a toddler who, because of their awful living conditions, had to be on oxygen 24/7.

After I had worked there about 6 months, I noticed John's wife had stopped coming into the store with her children. When I asked my coworker why that was, he told me she had her kids taken away by social services. I was surprised, but so relieved for those children. Turns out, she had "forgotten" to give her toddler oxygen one day and she almost died. She had to be flown to St. Jude's and everything. I thank the good Lord someone stepped in.

There are well...many things I can't stand, but three major things are: ignorant people, rude people, and horrible parents. John's wife, is all of the above. I feel I can't blame -too- much of the situation on John himself because he isn't home much, but he doesn't exactly get off scot-free, either. This family is on food stamps, which I can understand. I have no problem with food stamps in general, its the taking advantage of what you've been given that drives me up the wall. It's like what one of my customers said to me today, "These people on food stamps buy more expensive food than even I can afford!" Which is so true. I would be fine if it were healthier products that cost more money, but please don't complain that you don't get enough food stamp money when I just loaded a dozen boxes of little debbies and ten packages of hot dogs in your shopping cart.

Anyway, back to the story. John's wife would NEVER buy anything healthy with their food stamps. She'd buy the kids as much soda and candy that they wanted, and would always tell them to eat it up before their dad got home. Yeah, nice parenting. Not only that but...this family stunk. And I dont mean, "Oh wow, they smell like B.O." kinda stink...but as in, made your eyes water where you didn't want to breathe kind of rank. I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. You can't claim "Oh, maybe they dont have money for the essentials..." Yes, they do. They just spend it on things they don't need, like soda when they run out of money on their LINK card.

In my eyes, these parents don't take care of their children, in the health sense, or in loving care. This is why their kids have been taken away. For a while, they could see their children in their new foster home a couple days a week, which I find perfectly good. The kids were being taken care of, and still got to see their parents on a regular basis. Good. Things were all right.

Then I came to work today.

John's wife was sitting on the bench by the door with her mouth wide open like always. (I swear I'm being truthful, not mean.) I clocked in and came back to the front to leave my drink at my register. John was being obnoxious as my coworker was trying to figure out their WIC transactions. Then I thought about it. WIC? (food for Women, Infants, and Children) Why would they be on WIC if they don't have their children with them anymore? I gave my coworker a strange look, and she didn't pick up on it. I waited to ask anything until they left. Once I was sure they were out the door, I asked, "Was she just doing WIC stuff? How can they be on WIC if they got their kids taken away?" She looked at me, rolled her eyes and said, "She just had another kid."

...what?

I can perfectly understand how she got pregnant, that's not the question. My question is...if she, just 6 months ago, was proven a non-fit mother and had her children taken away from her, why does she get to keep this one? I'm all for kids staying with their parents but she hasn't even proven herself enough to get her 3 other children back, and now a newborn is subjected to their style of living. Lord please protect that child.

Things could be worse, yes, I know that. At least John isn't abusive to the kids, or anything like that. He's a good dad, and I'm sure they both love their children very much...but the fact of the matter is, if you can't take care of them, someone else needs to.

I watched from the sidelines for years as my aunt became foster mom to two beautiful little kids. The first, was adopted by a new family, but not before Hayley had been abused and neglected by her mother and grandmother for far too long, and this was just with partial custody! The second, I'm sad to say my aunt passed away the day before she was going to adopt little Max, but he finally found a good home with my aunt's friend, Anita. But even in his situation, his mother signed away her rights to him at the hospital and just left him there, and his father didn't want anything to do with him...yet what did the court keep doing? Trying to give him back to his mother. His drug addict mother who never wanted him in the first place. C'mon, I know it's always best to stick kids with their families, but that's ridiculous. When you sign the papers, it's over. Or at least it should be.

This summer I'm hopefully going to be able to volunteer with social services, to get an idea of what really goes on in there. It's a corrupt world, and a corrupt system, but maybe in time I can make a difference.