I'm not entirely sure how to go about this particular blog, so bear with me. I apologize in advance if I seem a bit unorganized in my thought process, but it's a lot that needs to be processed! I only ask for your patience.
Half a year ago, someone entered my life that completely changed the person that I was, and now that they're gone, I want the old me back. It's funny how life works. Before, I always thought of myself as someone who was too smart for the old tricks that come with the opposite sex. Turns out, life taught me I was wrong. That happens though. In order to learn right, you need a mistake. I've learned and I've grown, and I'm happy for the time we spent together. Right now, at this moment, I'm content at where I'm at. I'm sure things will change like they always do, but I'm just glad to know that it can't get worse than all that it's taken to get to this point. I survived, and I'm strong.
Up until tonight, I had full (one sided) contact with my ex. (I say one sided because even if I talk to him, he wont reply. Yes, it's childish, but he's got some growing to do, too.) We haven't spoken since February, and it has been the longest two months of my life. Up until a week ago, I hadn't seen his face since then, either. (keep in mind we work two buildings away from each other, I'm good friends with his best friend, and our town is very small...it's almost impossible to avoid someone in this town, but he managed it.) For almost a week, I've seen him every day. He always pretends I'm not there. At his work, he's required to greet everyone as they enter the door. If he sees me, he doesn't say a word, and he turns his back. His works bank is across the street from my work, so any time he needs to make a deposit, he makes sure he pulls out of the parking lot and squeal his tires, any time he seems me through the window just to let me know he's still angry.
At first, this really hurt. Knowing I did nothing to deserve punishment, yet being forced to endure it all night long as I would lie in my bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering why he was still so angry. I couldn't distract myself with anything anymore, not even baseball. My favorite player had been traded and the one major thing my ex and I had in common was our love for the Cardinals. I felt so alone, knowing that no one could understand why I was so upset. He and I weren't right for each other, that's easy to admit. I'm not bitter or even sad that we parted ways, I'm just upset it had to end in such one sided anger. He's a stubborn person who wont listen to what anyone has to say, if it's against what he feels. He believes his anger is justified, and I don't.
Looking back on it now, I believe he isn't truly angry with me. I think he's angry with himself. He wants to work things out, but in order to do that, he may have to admit that he's wrong, and he being him, wont let that happen. If he lets his stubborn head believe me for just a second, it might show weakness, and it's easier to ignore me and blame his anger on me than deal with his real emotions. He'll grow up one day, I'm sure of it.
Me being the person I am, I need everything laid out in front of me and worked through. Both literally and figuratively. I never got that chance with him. He wouldn't let us work through it, because he believed he was right, and that was that. I was unable to accept this for the longest time. And this is where we come to the point of this blog: "I accept that you're still angry with what I said. I've done all I can do, and there is no taking the burden of hatred from your shoulders. I'm sad for you that you have to carry that with you, because I would like nothing more than to help you, but I realize now that it is your decision and you have chosen to disregard my civility. I wish nothing but the best for you."
That's what I would have texted him (since he would ignore my calls) if tonight were the end. And, my friends, tonight is the end. He posted on facebook that he lost all of the contacts in his phone, and he requested that everyone text him their numbers. I had the choice; text him and let him know my number, or finally letting it go and realizing if I cut the last form of communication we have left, I can finally move on. I realized then that tonight would be the end of my suffering. If he chooses to stay angry, I cannot control that. That was the biggest pill to swallow. So, let me say it again.
I cannot control the way he feels.
I can't make him feel better, no matter how much I would like to. Everyone makes their own choices. This is something I will always struggle with my entire life. I've always been a motherly type to my friends. I've tried to protect them from every bad decision they've come to, and they've never put up a fight...until a few nights ago. A friend of mine is going through a bad roller coaster break up in which she wouldn't listen to a bit of my advice. That was really frustrating for me, knowing she knew the right path but she still took the wrong one. Temptation effects everyone in different ways, but no one had never not taken my advice after so many times she's requested it. It wasn't until she looked at me and said, "Lindsey, I know you want to protect me, but you've got to let me make my own mistakes. I know sometimes I'll regret them, but it's the only thing that will make me stronger" that I realized I try to control people sometimes, out of love. While I don't necessarily agree with that last part, she was right. I need not worry about others mistakes and decisions, but focus on my own.
I've always worried about everyone that I love to an extreme, but lately it's been getting ridiculous. I know I've changed so much in the past six months that it's affected my relationships with others. I'm becoming too protective in fear that they will change in the wrong ways I did. In that relationship, I held back so much. I depended so much on his words to get me through the day. I'm better than that. I kept my mouth shut 98% of the time, and that's not the real me. I say what I mean and I mean what I say. As we've discussed a million times, I believe in honesty, and I was not honest in that relationship by holding everything in. I wanted his approval so badly, I lost my voice.
That's what The Kings Speech is about, finding your voice. I watched that tonight and realized that I still have my voice inside me, it was just suppressed for too long. I even changed the style of music I listened to so I could feel closer to him. Whoever said music is just music and doesn't reflect your personality is wrong. But, tonight I realized this and I'm going to make a promise to myself to be me all the time, no matter what. I'm going to be that confident girl again who didn't need make up to feel pretty or get dressed up just to leave the house, because she had the love of God and she knew He would put the right people in her life when it came time for them to come around.
I'm going to be me again. Watch me.
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